What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.