“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell