"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower