"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen