"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar