What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Better read than dead.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Leaf me alone.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.