"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.