Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.