Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans