The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.