According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"