How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!