Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen