My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime