For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."