What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.