What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What does a house wear?
Address.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!