Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.