So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.