Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.