A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!