I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."