Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.