The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
I'm acorn-y person.