What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
He threw three free throws.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.