Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
You know what they say? Words.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.