Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.