A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."