Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.