How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
As it snow happens.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
We're donion rings.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.