What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Readers do it by the book.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.