“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor