“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous