"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown