"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child