"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long