What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.