What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.