Witch you were here.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.