How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Don’t moss around.
I’m very frond of you.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
We’re mint to be.
One more thyme.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
One trick peony.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
It’s party thyme.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Your good weed for the day.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I’ll never leaf you.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Have you botany plants lately?
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Long thyme no see.