What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred