For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
You are aged to perfection.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
They say everything gets better with age.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.