What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What does a house wear?
Address.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”