Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.