“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin