“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.