What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.