Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.