I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.