A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.